Monday, February 8, 2016

I've been talking to myself.

Over the last couple of days, I've started talking to myself. Exclusively. On camera.

Yesterday, I did it just on a whim. I had woken up that morning anxious and furious. I'd started getting ready for work, and then I snapped.
I threw my washing basket across the room, screamed out 'FUCK THIS', and stormed downstairs.

This isn't a usual thing for me.
I've struggled with anxiety for years now. Through the peaks and troughs of life, it has fluctuated. Unfortunately, lately it has returned.
So I've been consuming. Constantly. I'll read my spiritual text. I'll watch far more Youtube videos than I care to admit. I'll occasionally do my yoga and meditation, but often both of these will be guided.
I've been running my life with external resources. I've been respecting the experiences/thoughts/beliefs of others far more than my own.

Which of course can get bloody confusing. As everyone is different, with different backgrounds and genetics and opinions that have been moulded by their unique life experiences. So not only was I consuming far too much information, it was conflicting information, which has left me more anxious and overwhelmed than ever.

So yesterday I snapped. The thing that was different about yesterday was the anger. I'm not usually the type to throw things. I felt like I could punch something. I had so much built up fury, and I felt like I was seeing red.
Needless to say, I didn't end up working yesterday, or even today. I hate that this can still impact my ability to go to work, particularly after over a year of it being fine.

So last night, I turned on my camera and filmed myself talking.
I spoke about my relationship with myself. I spoke about my relationship with food and spirituality. I spoke about my upcoming wedding day, and my dreams.
And it was bloody nice.

So I did it again today. I'm calling it the 30 days of Self Talk project, or something, it doesn't even matter - because I'm only doing it for myself. It's not something I'll be posting, for a variety of reasons, the main one being - I don't want any feedback. I'm not looking for opinions, or even words of encouragement. I want nothing external from this. I only want my own perspective.

I was watching back the video this morning, and I really enjoyed what I had to say. When I was just talking, not caring or thinking about how things came across, but just talking from my heart... It was real. It was authentic. I felt strangely connected to myself on a new level. Here I was, re-watching this video of some freakin awesome wise chick - and it was me.
No longer was I wasting time scrolling through YouTube, watching various 'inspirational' videos and comparing my real life to someone else's edited one.

I'm not sure if this is a strange concept, but I guess I don't care if it is anyway? It's not a technique or an idea that I've found through reading someone's blog, it's just an idea that I've had, and so far I'm enjoying it.
So if you're constantly looking externally in the attempts of personal development, then stop.
If it's become a means of distraction to stop you from actually doing the work, then stop.
Deep down, beneath all this information that we are consistently bombarded with, lies you, and only you have the answers for your self.

Maybe consider having a chat with yourself?

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