Saturday, October 29, 2016

Word Vomit.

Word vomit, thought vomit - that's all I'm here to do right now.
I feel like I have so many thoughts that are building up inside of me. Worries, stress, anxiety. Gratitude, appreciation, love. Fear, depression, apprehension.

I haven't been writing like I used to. Which is a shame, because I still consider writing to be an outlet, occasionally a glimpse into my Creative Self. But I've been avoiding. Even the act of putting pen to paper seems exhausting to me. I've gotten lazy.

So without my outlet, I have Tim. I have my friends and family every now and then. But most of all? I have avoidance. Suppression. I've gotten pretty great at bottling things up, and then exploding every now and then.

I never really considered myself to be someone that gets in bad moods. I kind of thought I was 'above' moodiness; I regarded myself as someone too reflective, or can I say - (gulp) - evolved, to ever act so irrationally and impulsively.
But I kind of have been.

I think the wedding has been weighing on me more than I care to admit. Or should I call it The Wedding? THE Wedding? THE WEDDING!!!? The time of day depends on the amount of emphasis those two words have on my system. Usually the capital letters pay me a visit just as my head hits the pillow at night.

I get married in a week! This time next week I will be a bride, and a wife for the rest of time. I will be legally bound to someone else, emotionally, financially. I love Tim so much, and I consider the last 8.5 years of our relationship to be something that's already set in stone... So why the fear? Why am I not excited to publicly declare our love to our closest friends and family?

Maybe it's because I've always been rather easily influenced. I've never smoked, or taken drugs, and I think I've been able to stick to my morals for the vast majority of my time so far. But I also think I've grown up incredibly influenced by media - like almost all of us today. I saw the beautiful Disney princesses with their perfect, delicate faces and porcelain skin. The evil witch is usually old, pimply or warty. The magazines, Pinterest images, the flawless, boho instagram beauties.. The Perfect Bride is what we've grown to strive for - calm, radiant and beautiful. Deliriously in love and ready for The Best Day of Her Life.

Call me a Debbie Downer, but I'm not walking into next week expecting the 'best day of my life'. I'm hoping that it'll be up there, but I don't want it to be the be all or end all. Is this the pinnacle? Is it all mortgage debt, work and shitty little children from here on out?

In saying that, I'm a little heartbroken that I won't be fulfilling the calm, radiant and beautiful bride philosophy. Where's the part in the movies with the frizzy, flustered and pimply bride? The bride that's probably a little underweight, a bit of a hormonal train wreck, that kind of hates her dress and not so sure about any of this? The bride that has been dreading the 'walk down the aisle' since, well, forever? People smiling, taking photos, all making a judgement on my appearance, even if they don't consciously realise it...

So maybe this word vomit is a good thing. Maybe I'm purging out all these fears and anxieties, just so I can release them. I think it's truly time for me to quit the fucking drama, and start loving myself. Because I don't think I can be a loving, patient and fun wife if I allow myself to get caught up in the murkiness and superficiality of it all. At a time that allows so much gratitude, here I am letting fear run the show. Do I really care if I have a bad breakout on the wedding day? To be honest, yes. But will other people care nearly as much? No. Will Tim still love me? I know he will. Remember, he's the guy that see's me without makeup on and with pimple cream all over my face every night. And he still looks me in the eyes and calls me beautiful, no matter what.

The best thing I can do is love myself. I think that depicts true calm, radiance and beauty. That's where I find the ingredients I need to nail this Bride Thing.

And the best part? It's one day. It's one day that symbolises a new beginning of everything. I may not have been counting down day by day. I may not have excited butterflies in my stomach (yet), but I also know that I am itching to get to our next page. Our fresh start in our new home, when we grab the keys 3 weeks after the wedding day. I acknowledge how lucky I truly am, to have found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I acknowledge how lucky I truly am, for being in the position to be able to work and save money, that has allowed us to go on a 2 month holiday last year, and then save for a house deposit AND a wedding, all in such a short amount of time.

I am eternally grateful for my blessings. I'm choosing to let go of these negative thought patterns, a moment at a time, minute by minute.
I'm so glad I came here for a word vomit.

It'd been a while.
Thanks. x

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