(image from pinterest)
Have you ever felt totally stuck at work? I mean, despite the fact that it makes you anxious as all hell, it brings out your inner Negative Nancy, your life feels foggy and unsatisfying... have you still remained there? Day in, day out, you return to that building because (for some insane reason) you think you're stuck?
I have. Two and a half years ago, I was frozen in fear. I was battling ongoing anxiety with weekly acute, painful, rock-bottom panic attacks. I cannot tell you the number of times I sat in my car before work, with that feeling in my gut, the fear paralysing me. The tears running down my cheeks, the late 'I'm sorry I can't come in, I'm sick' calls, the daydreams about crashing my car so I wouldn't have to work (!) ... I experienced it all.
And then, one day, I did it. I quit. I had two jobs at the time, and I resigned from one of them in a heartbeat. I was done. My family and my partner were done with seeing me suffer, too.
Once I picked up my new job (quicker than I expected), I resigned from my second job.
And I felt free.
*
Working as a Practice Nurse at a GP clinic has been fabulous. Truly. I can honestly, hand-on-heart promise you that I've never loved a job like I have this one. I've met some authentic, beautiful souls, and formed amazing friendships and bonds. This sense of community was (and in some ways, still is) new to me. I've always felt like an outsider, and for the first time at a workplace, I felt at home.
The patients have been wonderful. It's given me true faith in aging (we have 102 year olds still kicking it, 90-somethings sky diving, etc!) as well as a increased respect in humanity as a whole. I've learnt that most people are bloody great. Honestly. Most people are kind, patient, understanding souls. Most people are happy to have a laugh. They'll hold your hand when they feel scared. They'll give in to the chatter while you're giving them an injection, even though they know that you're just trying to distract them from the moment (and it usually works anyway).
It can be scary to switch on the news at night, and to see a seemingly increasing number of horror stories. Murders, violence, drug epidemics. It can be overwhelming and disheartening.
Working with the community has given me faith. Most of us have our heads screwed on. Most of us have our hearts in the right place. And we're forgiving, too. We need to be.
*
Looking back, I probably started to drag my feet about 6 months ago. I was losing a bit of my passion and spark. I didn't realise it at the time.
It's been a bit of a turbulent year at work, with a high staff turnover, leaving only myself and one other staff member remaining. 12 resignations (and 12 friends) have walked out that door. I'll be honest, it hasn't felt the same.
It's not only that. I've only just woken up to the importance of stimulation. Variety. Growth.
I've started feeling like I could do my work with my eyes closed. Which, initially, is quite a nice feeling. But we need to keep evolving. We need to grow, to keep our light shining bright.
I woke up to that gradually over the last few months, but I only truly connected to my feelings about that in the last couple of weeks. I realised I wanted to feel excited about nursing again. I needed to get out that defib and reboot my career.
*
About 3 weeks ago, I heard about a job that had popped up at a local skin cancer centre. I'd always been interested in that industry, specifically that particular business.
I told myself 'no.' I told myself that my boss would kill me. I told myself all these excuses about money, and life, and change, and convinced myself that now just wasn't the time.
I was in the work bathroom on the day of hearing about this new job. For some reason, I couldn't get it out of my mind. I closed my eyes begged the Universe for a sign. An obvious sign.
The next morning my first patient started talking about that very same skin clinic. A sign? Probably. Did I listen? Nope.
I've lost count of the continuous signs that I received over that week. Patients raving about the skin clinic, GP's at work mentioning it, people on the street behind me talking about it, old work friends texting me about it.
I ignored it all. I'd let my mind make the decision because it felt practical.
I thought I'd missed my chance, anyway.
Until last week, when I noticed the company mention the available position on their Facebook page. And just like that, I finally woke up. My mind was made.
I sent in my resume, had my interview (and sat back in my car at 11:11am after it) and got the job all within a week.
Yesterday, I resigned from my job.
It might be terrible timing. I have a million things on my plate. It potentially 'won't work out'. My boss probably doesn't like me very much any more.
But you know what? I did this for me. This is one of the most important acts of self-love that I've ever done. I learnt from my past. I recognised the signs. I noticed that I was, again, frozen in fear. Under different circumstances, but with the same basic story. I was letting fear guide my life again.
*
Two and a half years ago, I made a promise to myself to not get stuck any more. To loosen the reigns, to let go of the rules, and relax a little.
I start my new job in two weeks. I'm already out of my comfort zone, leaving work, having to have difficult discussions with people along the way. But I'm so excited to learn something new. I'm so excited to grow and expand and follow what feels good - even when I don't know where it'll lead.
Let's give ourselves permission to keep on living.
Let's remove these invisible cages that keep us locked in.
Let's remember how it feels to thrive, to get uncomfy, to push the boundaries.
I feel so ready to shake things up around here.
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