Monday, January 22, 2018

Keep on

2 days in a row of writing, because yolo. Also I have some alone time while Tim's at volleyball, and the laptop was just winking at me from the couch.

I feel so much better today. There is so much to be said about distraction - being at work made me feel normal again, like this whole other world didn't exist for 8 hours or so. I started out rusty, then along the way I loosened my grip and allowed myself to enjoy my day.

I do feel guilty in a lot of ways, though. While I can escape for a bit, Mum can't. Dad can try - but he'll never leave Mum alone in the house comfortably again. Ever.

I do need to navigate around this guilt and find where it can be productive, and where it can't. There's no use letting the rest of my life fall to pieces. The opposite provides a better foundation for this next chapter - still carrying on, looking after myself, maintaining good relationships with those who will be my support network throughout it all. I have a big weekend coming up, with a few things I'm considering cancelling, but maybe I won't. I'll see how I go.

I've quit Facebook again for almost a month, and it's been great. I also did no Youtube or Instagram for a couple of weeks, and have been slowly re-introducing that back in. I want to remain mindful of when I'm consuming things with benefit vs mindless consumption just to fill a void/past time/distract. Yesterday was all about distraction, but as I said then, I pick myself up more quickly now. Dust it all off, and begin again.

This is going to be such a rollercoaster. I've already cried more than I have in years. But what if I allowed myself to believe in my strength? The possibility that I can do this? That through the pain, while a different version of pain, I can  once again find healing?
What more of an excuse do I need to connect even more with my family and loved ones?

Can I do this? Yes.
Will I do this? Yes.

It's been done before by millions of daughters in this world before me. If they can do it, I can too.

Humanity is powerful. We can always keep on keeping on. The sun will rise, and then it will set.

Eventually it might get easier. I know I'll be ok.

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